Corporate Education Group

Listening as a Leadership Skill | 3 300 Brickstone Square • Suite 201 • Andover, MA 01810 USA • 1.800.288.7246 • +1.978.649.8200 • info@corpedgroup.com of genuine dialogue, and any problems remain unaddressed. In coaching and mentoring as well, managers often try to control or micromanage employees' behaviors instead of listening and responding to them, which keeps subordinates from developing independent thinking skills and self-assurance. In so many daily business encounters, managers quickly lose their initial intention to listen, along with their opportunity to influence and lead. At the same time, by not feeling fully received and understood, their speaking-partners/ employees don't realize their value expectations either. Many of us seem locked inside our own heads, unable to get past ourselves. Why are we so frugal with our feedback? Why are we so reluctant to respond? The Distorting Lens of Tradition Convention dictates that a listener's job in conversation is basically to absorb the speaker's message. Many listeners thus see themselves as mere "consumers" of spoken information, their role as passive and compliant. Is it any wonder that most of us listen in relative obscurity? That we fail to integrate feedback — including emotional responses we might have — into our conversations? If we are "invisible" and voiceless in conversation, we are more likely to be misunderstood by our speaking partner. But as pervasive as the conventional wisdom is, it is based on an out-of-date perspective. There is something oddly unnatural about keeping legitimate feelings and reactions bottled up inside us. (Consider the difference between: understanding and being understanding, or between an interested listener and an interesting one.) Yet we are so deeply versed in this limiting legacy that we hardly provide even an occasional comment on the speaker's narrative. So, this constrained vision of listening persists, robbing us of the benefits of full-fledged, convergent listening. Partial, one-sided listening exacts a high toll on conversational quality and coherence and also reflects the limited importance a listener accords himself. Is there a better way to align the interests of listeners and speakers so that everyone benefits? Yes. But to do so will require reimagining the listening experience within a relational framework by applying different sensibilities and values to it. And this may undermine some cherished beliefs about listening. Still, if more trusting relationships and productive conversations are the goal, it is not enough to appear to be listening. There's also the matter of proving it. Listening as Influence The challenge — and opportunity — is to recognize that speakers also have needs. For example, they rightly want to know whether we have received their message and how we feel about it. And they are more likely to communicate authentically when we manifest our listening more openly. The word "proactive," although perhaps overused, has an important application here. Proactive means taking the initiative, acting by design or with deliberate intent, as opposed to "reactive" or "inactive." And it takes two forms: attitude and action. With a proactive attitude, you come to a conversation prepared to listen. You commit to paying attention and observing the speaker closely (e.g., listening for clues on negotiating positions) to learn as much as you can. Your actions are proactive when, instead of reacting reflexively to, say, a speaker's demeaning remark or dismissive gesture, you respond with something like, "That surprises me!" or "What makes you have that impression?" With more neutral responses, you remain fully present, focused, and connected, instead of being defensive. And proactive listening does more than close the communication loop. It helps reconnect us with the reason most of us engage in conversation

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